


leaving again

by starsupernova



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Reunions, but it's really tame, i rated it T because there's some mild cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7106668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsupernova/pseuds/starsupernova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Let's go, the ceremony is starting soon,” Gon says and takes his hand, like that's the most normal thing in the world.</p><p>It used to be, though. Holding hands and casual touches used to be natural for the two of them but now, there’s no way Gon has forgiven him.</p><p>If Gon has forgiven him for leaving without a goodbye, Killua deserves him even less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	leaving again

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't finished hxh so this isn't really canon compliant but i love them.

Killua expected to see Gon here, but his breath still catches in his chest when he sees him. He’s here, dressed in his best suit, taller and handsomer than ever.

Immediately, he's guilty. Gon, _his best friend_ , hasn't seen him in years, and the phone conversations between the two of them have been scarily limited. Killua curses himself for waiting so long: once he sees Gon’s face, he can’t believe he didn’t come back to visit sooner.

Not that he’s visiting or, god forbid, staying. He’s here for Leorio’s med school graduation and then he’s gone. But it’s hard for Killua to remind himself of that when Gon is right in front of him.

The shining sun highlights the high points of Gon’s face but Killua forces his eyes away and forces the lump out of his throat. Feelings would do him no good.

“Killua,” Gon says and it's such a relief to hear his voice in person that Killua’s heart threatens to break.

It's been years since Killua realized that he loves Gon, yet the thrill of it all hasn't worn off. Gon’s smile still makes Killua’s heart flutter in the same way that it did when they were both twelve years old.

“How have you been?” Gon asks and Killua flinches, tucks his hands into his pockets.

“I've been okay,” Killua replies, trying to go for a good blend of kind yet apathetic, but it probably just ends up sounding like he's about to cry.

“That's good,” Gon says, genuinely, like he says everything. “Me too.”

Killua smiles softly. Gon is contagious like that.

“Let's go, the ceremony is starting soon,” Gon says and takes his hand, like that's the most normal thing in the world.

It used to be, though. Holding hands and casual touches used to be natural for the two of them but now, there’s no way Gon has forgiven him.

If Gon has forgiven him for leaving without a goodbye, Killua deserves him even less.

Regardless, he lets Gon take his hand and drag him off. _I could get used to this_ , he thinks, until he realizes that he really can't.

He can spend these few days with his friends, Leorio, Kurapika, and Gon, but then he has to leave again. He can't stay and get used to Gon’s smile and touch and his affection.

He wants to say goodbye before he leaves this time, but he doesn't know if he can.

He still hates remembering the feeling of untangling himself from Gon’s warm limbs at an ungodly hour in the morning, knowing that Gon sleeps the deepest with Killua, using that to his advantage, leaving a ghostlike kiss across Gon’s forehead before disappearing.

Pro hunters are good at hunting, but even better at concealing themselves.

Gon is even more amazing at age eighteen than he was when Killua left him three years ago. Killua had seen the news on his journeys.

While Gon was out performing feats of bravery and valor, Killua was alone, sneaking in the dark.

 _Typical_ , he tells himself bitterly. He’ll always be the one in the shadows with too much blood on his hands.

“Did you just show up here, Killua? There's no way Leorio could have found you if I couldn't,” Gon asks. The question is sincere but the thought that Gon had searched for him makes Killua’s heart implode.

“Yeah,” Killua answers. “I still...keep tabs on you guys, I guess. It doesn't hinder my job.”

Gon smiles. Killua wonders how Gon isn't bitter, how he hasn't punched Killua yet for being an idiot.

Killua wonders why he hasn't apologized to Gon yet.

“Let's sit down,” Gon says. He's still holding onto Killua’s hand.

Kurapika gives Killua an oddly knowing smile when they meet and Killua almost shudders. Kurapika knows too much for his own good.

There’s more cheering than talking when the graduation ceremony begins. The three of them stand up on their chairs and wave when Leorio’s name is called and Killua can see Leorio’s eyes bulge when he sees Killua. Killua gives him his signature smirk in response.

Leorio, being top of his class, makes a speech afterwards. When he mentions the three of them, Gon tears up and Killua and Kurapika’s smiles stretch a mile wide.

It’s nice to be back with friends and it’s nice to have Gon’s shoulder pressed up against Killua’s and Gon’s warm breath against his ear when he leans in to whispers something.

It’s going to be hard to leave this all behind again.

* * *

They get two adjacent hotel rooms. Kurapika takes the smaller one and Killua and Gon take the bigger one. The bigger room only has one large bed and Killua has vivid flashbacks to cold nights and single futons until he snaps out of it.

“I’m going to sleep,” Kurapika tells them through the door that joins their rooms. “Leorio’s going to take us on a tour of the college in the morning.”

“Alright!” Gon chirps, and literally skips to the bed, falling down next to Killua with a content sigh.

Killua thinks about how easy it would be to say ‘I love you’. Just open his mouth. Say the words. It’s over.

If only it had less weight, if only Killua was staying, he would do it. But he can’t.

The only light on is the little nightlight across the room, so Killua can barely see Gon’s face. They’re lying next to each other, Killua’s hands underneath his head, Gon sitting up and leaning back against the headboard.

“Tell me a story, Killua,” Gon says and Killua raises an eyebrow, despite the fact that Gon isn’t looking at him. “Something interesting.”

“I don’t have anything interesting to tell.”

“That’s not true. You probably had lots of adventures,” Gon replies. He’s lost his slightly childish way of talking, but Killua still finds the cadence of his voice endearing.

“What about you? How did you get your star?” Killua asks. He’d heard about it last year. A Single Star Hunter at age seventeen. Almost as good as his father.

Gon stammers for a second and Killua knows he’s probably blushing. “It’s a long story,” he says.

“So is mine,” Killua replies.

“I’ve got time.”

I don’t.

Gon sinks down into the blankets so that their legs brush together. The weight of an apology crushes down onto Killua’s body.

‘I’m sorry’ is easier to say than ‘I love you.’

Killua hates taking the easy way out. “I love you,” he says. For a second, he’s calm, collected, and then, in the next moment, his heart is threatening to leap out of his chest.

“Me too,” Gon replies and the innocence in his voice almost drives Killua crazy.

“No, you don’t understand. _I love you_. Like romantically. Like I want to kiss you and get married to you and never want to leave you,” Killua replies. He’s rambling because now his mind is going through all of the prospective scenarios and none of them are turning out the way he would like.

“That’s what I said,” Gon states and Killua stops talking. He’s glad it’s dark, because he doesn't want to see the expression on Gon’s face right now. “Me too,” Gon repeats. “I love you too.”

Killua blinks. His heart stops. “Oh.”

“I don’t want you to leave either.” Gon says and laces their fingers together under the covers. There’s an implication in Gon’s words that Killua doesn’t miss. The apology crackles over his head like a storm cloud.

_I love you. I left like that because I love you. I’m selfish and I couldn’t fucking tell you because I love you._

He can’t say any of it out loud.

“I’m sorry, Gon,” he says and then it’s like a dam breaks, behind his eyes and behind his heart. “I’m so sorry that I left. I’m sorry, I have to go again. I’m sorry. I really do love you.”

Killua shivers even though the covers are warm and Gon’s hand is warm. He tries to tug his hand away but Gon holds on, tight. He dips his head and gently presses his lips to Killua’s collarbone. It’s soft and almost sensual and Killua doesn’t deserve it.

“It’s okay,” Gon says quietly. “I really love you, too. I was angry for a little when you left, then I was just sad. I tried my hardest but I couldn’t find you then. Now I can. That’s why it’s okay.”

Gon kisses Killua again, this time on his cheek. He uses his free hand to wipe away the single tear on Killua’s cheek, tilts Killua’s chin to kiss him on the lips.

Gon is still childish and still has that twelve year old soul in him, but right now, he’s eighteen and Killua can feel Gon’s experiences on his lips. He can feel the sorrow and happiness and confusion. All of Gon is open to him.

Happiness is a strange sensation.

“Hey, Killua,” Gon says when he pulls back. Killua blinks and looks up. “Stay here with me. It’s still dark outside.”

Killua smiles and softly kisses Gon’s jawline. It sends a chill through him. _I can have this. I deserve it._

“Just for tonight,” Killua promises, and curls into Gon, who wraps his arms around him.

It’s going to be hard to leave this all behind again. So he won’t.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!!


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